LETTERS TO TUTU

First of multiple letters to my Taleen.

Yesterday I had a moment.

We came home from a trip to Columbia and you just finished eating dinner.  I wanted to give you a bath before bed because you enjoy your bath toys so much.  After I dried you off and dressed you, I nursed you before putting you down in your crib. I almost couldn’t believe how much you had grown. All of a sudden it felt like I was holding a toddler. 

I know you’re still one month away from turning a year old, but something just came over me last night. I put you down in your crib and as I was walking out, I looked back and you were standing.  It was time to bring the crib down one last time, and all of a sudden I had a wave of fear come over me. What happened? When did you grow all of a sudden? Your dad came in and turned your newborn crib into a toddler one, and as I shut the door on the way out, I scurried to my room so I wouldn’t have to hear your before bed cries.  For some reason this time I felt that they were much longer than usual.  I headed back into the room, scooped you up into my arms and held you on my lap for half an hour. I sobbed.

You were straddled across my lap as I rocked you back and forth. Your head on my chest, and my chin on your head.  You’re such a big girl now, and I can’t take it.

I always knew that motherhood would be overwhelming, but I never experienced a night like I did last night. All of a sudden I started thinking about my mother, and my grandmother, and Hamzeh’s mother and all of the mothers in the world that had to witness their children grow.  I felt like I wanted to take a remote and pause that moment for the rest of my life, because I never want you to grow up.  It motivated me to be a better daughter, and a better wife.  A better person all around because I want to be a person that you will look at one day and say, I want to be just like my mom. 

Tutu, I love you so much. You will never ever come close to knowing how much. 

Read our first real letter to Taleen here.